Fellas, it really works. And you know with us guys, we hate to apologize because most of the time we either don’t know how or we don’t care.
You know me: I like to share what I learn right away.
That’s because it becomes like a review session for my own self!
In the relationship course I attended recently (I wrote about it here and here), I learned one technique that you are sure to use from now on for the rest of your life.
I know I will!
Fellas, it really works. Trust me. I tried it!
And you know with us guys, we hate to apologize because most of the time we either don’t know how or we don’t care.
And it can be so embarrassing that we’d rather walk barefoot through fire then say “I’m sorry.” Right?
But sometimes the perfect apology can come in so handy. Because, what if you really messed up, but you just wanna, just hafta figure out how to get back with it?
How do you maintain your dignity?
Here’s how.
To apologize properly, follow these 5 easy steps:
Now here’s the thing, and I swear this is true.
You can follow these steps and at first not even be sure if you really mean it.
But by the time you get to step 5, you’ll mean it.
That’s because you’ll see the transformation and the softening up in the other person.
It’s priceless.
Oh, there’s one other thing.
What if the other person says something like “Go jump in the lake!”or “I didn’t believe you last time and I don’t believe you this time either!”
Easy. Just say, “I understand.”
And then repeat the step you were on.
Try it!
If you’re in a relationship, try it together. Take turns. It’ll be good for both of you. Because then, while you’re apologizing, the other person will know you’re using this technique and appreciate that you’re making the effort.
I tried this with my kids, and it works. With my wife, and it works. So it’s battle tested.
Saying I’m sorry used to be one of the hardest things you’d ever do.
Just ask George W. Bush (to cite just one example).
But not any more.
Download this printable “How To Apologize FULLY” poster and tape it to your refrigerator, bulletin board, office door, bathroom mirror, or anywhere else where you and others (like your kids, co-workers, spouse) will SEE it and READ it!
Got It. Gonna try it. If it works half as well as saying “Will you”, then it’s got to be good.
Thanks
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i like it!!!!
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Watch out for the “How can I make it right?” step. You just may find yourself having to so something that will make you really wish you had left things alone.
Seriously, great suggestions for making a sincere apology.
Best
L
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Claude,
Being a conflict resolver is my profession, so I love these steps. The biggest thing I work with my clients who are on the outs with another person is to walk through this process. I so completely agree with the simplicity of what you wrote and how easily it is applied.
The red flag that comes up for me is when you are led to say “I understand.” If you just did something that the other person can’t possibly comprehend why you did it and it offended them so deeply – to say you understand can feel trite and patronizing UNLESS it is said with complete and utter sincerity. (Try that one on for size – you are right Claude – you yourself have to buy into the whole thing by the time you get to the last step or this won’t work)
When I work with people in customer service; to say you “understand” to a customer and then try to go over why you can’t solve their problem makes the customer go crazy. I often ask people to ban “I understand” from their vocabulary (only because they don’t know how to come from sincerity in saying it) and instead paraphrase what you heard them say. They will appreciate that you really heard them and be more willing to move on.
Nice job Claude! Thank you for giving such a thought provoking message. Now I will have to go back and read the other postings on this topic, you’ve got me curious.
Pamela
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Really, when you are honestly sorry for something people feel you and it helps ease your conscience
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Hey Claude,
Many thanks for the article regarding these important key steps to repairing a fumbled relationship. All the best to you and yours.
Liam
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I like that you pointed out using this approach for our kids. Parents are accustomed to telling kids to “say you’re sorry” for one thing or another, and often, parents don’t recognize that we need to apologize to kids sometimes. And when we do, we must take it as seriously and mean it as genuinely as when we apologize to adults.
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One problem, this would not work for repeat offenders (people who make the same stupid mistakes over and over again). Those people are not sorry because they keep apologizing for the same thing. Where is the part where they acknowledge what they’re apologizing for. This tactic might work on me the first time, but would never work on me a second time. People should put themselves in the persons shoes they’re apologizing to and then they would really and truly be “sorry.” Do unto others as you would have done to you. That’s how people should live their lives.
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I think it’s difficult for most of us to apologize because it is humbling, and that is not something the majority of us care to be. To apologize is to admit guilt, yet a sincere apology helps build strong relationships. Simple and sincere (as the above 5 steps are), I think, is the most effective way to deliver an apology. I disagree with one line in your 5 easy steps; “I’ll never do that again.” Can any of us guarantee we will never make the same gaffe again? If, and when, you are guilt of the same infraction, don’t forget you have already guaranteed you would never do that again. Wow! You just did something that offended/hurt another person along with going back on your word. A sincere apology isn’t going to be as effective the second time around. I think the alternate statement in step 4, “I’ll try my best to stop doing that,” makes a lot more sense.
Nice piece, and of course, you guys need this one a lot more than we do :-)
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Claude, Here’s a methodology I used to teach executives when dealing with upset/ irate customers:
First, fix the person. Apologize and accept responsibility.
Second, fix the problem. Resolve the particular issue at hand.
Only then do you fix the process to ensure it never happens again.
Too many people want to skip Step One not realizing how much easier life becomes when you apologize correctly and too many stop at the second step assuring the problem with reoccur. As “Dear Abby” would say, an apology is your promise to avoid the offending behavior in the future. Thanks for the affirmation.
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THis was quite helpful
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I find it interesting that nowhere so far in the “Post” debacle has there been any ownership of the transgression, no mea culpa; just some clinically detached appeal to anyone who may have misconstrued satire as racism. There is no misunderstanding here…. it may well have been satirical and racist. The humor does not justify the hurt, and they still don’t get it.
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[...] Half-Apologies Don’t Resolve Negative Emotions Posted by: Claude Johnson in Being, Goodwill, Health, Motivation, Relationships tweetmeme_url = ‘http://blackfivesblog.com/?p=2065′;tweetmeme_source = ‘claudejohnson’; I want to bring up the subject of how to apologize, even though I’ve written about this topic before. [...]
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Lew you’re so right, except I figure that you wouldn’t be apologizing anyway, to a person for whom you wouldn’t want to do something kind in the first place. Sort of. Ya know? :-)
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