Needless to say, there are subtle nuances that can gnaw at your relationship and cause endless friction. Especially during football games.
I was at a course on relationships last week, from Thursday to Sunday.
It was called “All Your Relations” (by a company called Peak Potentials Training) and it was about improving, well, all your relations.
Here’s an excerpt from the course program:
Over 4 intensive days, some of the greatest experts in the world will provide you with the insight and direction to critically review, breakdown and improve all of your personal relationships. That includes; romantic, child/parent, business, family, friendship, opposite sex, sexual and others, right down to your relationship with nature and the world.
One big emphasis was about the difference between men and women.
Needless to say, there are subtle nuances that can gnaw at your relationship and cause endless friction. Especially during football games.
For example, did you know that it really matters how you ask or get asked to take out the garbage?
I already knew there’s a difference because I cringe whenever my wife asks “Can you?”
Of course I can take out the garbage. I’ve done it a thousand times. Does she think I suddenly forgot how?
And if I say, “No, I can’t” then she’ll take it as a sign or further proof of my incapability, right?
The real question is will I?
If she asks, “Will you?” then everything changes.
Suddenly, the hero-warrior part of my male D.N.A. kicks in and I say “Of course!”
Fellas, y’all know what I mean?
Now realize, it’s not about the garbage.
To illustrate, let’s kick it up a notch.
If your wife or girlfriend asks “Can you risk your life for me?” the answer might be “Sure, I can.”
But that doesn’t mean we will, for her anyway, right?!
But if she asks “Will you?” then everything changes, doesn’t it?
“Will you?” implies a certain feminine vulnerability that inspires men to take action.
Now we say “Yes!” and maintain our hero status. (We could even get away with “I’ll do my best or get somebody else who will!”)
Or we can answer “no” and then that’ll be the end of that relationship (which may not be a bad thing).
So, ladies, will you please use “Will you?”
I don’t ask. (At least, I can’t remember the last time I asked him to take out the garbage). It just gets done. I really don’t take time to focus on it unless the garbage man is coming. Then, because of the urgency I might just do it myself.
For me, it’s a non issue.
However, looking beyond garbage. I guess I have notice that the ‘Hero appeal” works quite well. i.e. “Will you reach that off the top shelf?” or “Will you open this?” You know, the things that I really can’t easily do myself, because I tried.
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The ideal situation would be that he would not have to be asked to take out the garbage particularly if it is done in a timely fashion. When he waits until it is utterly unbearable, then the woman will begin to doubt his ability to take out the garbage and or his desire to please her. If he is conscious and therefore in tune with her threshold for disgust, he would take care of it before she begins to wonder if her hero is present. She begins to question as to rather or not she is worthy of being pleased, since a woman is responsive to the stoking of her Goddess energy by her Warrior.
So gentlemen, the next time you’re asked “Can you take out the garbage?” consider the possibility that her quality of ‘feminine vulnerability’ that inspire you, could be enhanced by your attention and nurturing.
I will definitely try “Will you…” which seems so simple. But you know what Ladies? An expert on men and relationships named Marcia Martin, stated that men are ‘slow and simple’. It was said not to offend, but as a matter of fact. For this topic, I think that both she and Claude are onto something.
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LOL….excellent points I’m a Marriage and Family Therapist, and often times w/ couples I spend considerable time discussing the subtle nuances in language.
What strikes me is that the two responses to this post are females….I’d have a field day w/ this in a group setting….c’mon fellas.
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I am most certainly going to try “will you”. My husband who by the way is my 1st and 2nd husband and I am his 2nd and 4th wife, more about that later. Anyway, he is a wonderful provider, very smart when it comes to his profession and just a plain ordinary guy who likes to cook, eat, watch football and relax at home. I have wondered for years why he never seems to understand what I am saying the first time I say it, especially if it’s a request. From now on I am going to keep it simple. “Will you take out the garbage ?”, Will you open this for me ?”, “Will you help me move this table?, etc. I will let you know tomorrow if it works.
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Claude, I checked off ‘can you take out the garbage’ but I don’t ask Gary to take out the garbage I just tell him ‘take out the garbage’ . Look, after 25 years you would think I would not have to say anything, he would just do it, but I guess men are just slower than us women.
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I’m an advertising writer. The differences in language to persuade male and female audiences is astounding. On a gender basis, we have different triggers. Just a little thought in how we communicate can make an amazing difference.
Truly, men and women are “wired” differently. Here’s a perfect example: Women “garden.” Men do “yard work.” For most women, time working in the garden or on the lawn is considered an escape. For most men, it’s a chore that takes time from another activity that would be “fun” and “satisfying.” The difference in language conveys the true emotion of the activity for each audience.
As for me and Claude’s dirty little subject, I take out the garbage and the materials for recycling every morning. I’m only asked to perform this task if things pile up quickly and I’m unaware of the situation. It hasn’t always been that way though.
I’m divorced. I married young and taking out the garbage was a particular issue.
My ex-wife confronted me one day, furious that the trash was overflowing. She glared in my direction, her words filled with venom, “Why can you remember what Ty Cobb hit in 1911 and not remember to take out the trash?”
I very cooly looked up and responded, “He hit .420.”
The stream of expletives that followed was both explosive and impressive. We lasted about another year.
Needless to say, I’m more mature, more responsible and more aware that relationships take work…they don’t just happen. And language is a HUGE part of the work.
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Ya see, when it comes to garbage I prefer “can you…” My response to “will you…” is a command. Now this could just be my own mishigos (a technical term for craziness) but since it’s coming from my wife I might think that it’s a command and therefore resist it. To me, “can you” is nicer. In my head I say I’m happy to.
For the record, I always take the garbage out from the garage to the end of the driveway. It’s not something my wife ever asks me to do. She knows it’ll be done. It’s the transfer of garbage from the kitchen to the garage where I get the request to take “down” the garbage.
Now, if a stranger asks me to help them saying “Will you be kind enough to help me with [insert task].” I’m always more than happy to assist – except if it’s a woman who’s asking me to kill her husband for not taking the darn garbage out.
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I haven’t taken the trash out in over 16 years.
My wife and I practiced extensively to make sure that when we decided to have children that we were certain to have males, who learned at an early age that it was their responsibility to take out the trash until they had boys of their own. As far the “can you” and “will you” issue, a “will you please” can get just about anything short of an axe murder :) . In life I have found it’s not what you say, but how you say it, whether you are at home, at work, at school, at church, etc. For example I always say please when I am at work. Of course my employees don’t really have an option, but I always get a better response. It’s the same thing at home, except we do have options ;).
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My wife and I work in concert.
We do alot for each other without asking or telling.
When she says anything like “Will you…” OR “Can you…” Of course she usually says “When are you going to take the garbage out?” I know that means get that out in the next 5 minutes.
I love doing things with her….especially work.
John
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It’s all about how we are socialized. We have given our children things to do since they could walk, we just did not tell them that it was work, we made it fun. But think about it if you teach responsibility like you teach any of the other “life skills” your children are better equipped to deal with life. My dad taught us a physics lesson that I have learned to be one of the most important things in life, depending upon how you apply it. No two things can occupy the same space at the same time. He made this “real” to us by asking us if we wanted a glass full of ice when we got our juice, or just a little ice and more juice? The glass only had so much space, so how do you choose to occupy that space?
I learned to apply this principle to my life. If you fill your spirit with “stuff” like faith, hope, and love you don’t have room for that other junk like hate and dispair. My wife and I will be celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary on the 24th of this month by living by these principles, oh, did I mention, still honeymooning?
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“Would you like to….take out the garbage?”
Those words are none demanding.
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Hey Claude,
I was raised in a single parent household from 10yrs on up. So chores were just a given. I think if your partner makes you feel like you are being talk to like a parent… sometimes you feel it necessary to rebel because it sounds more like nagging than anything else.
In my present relationship I usually handle the garbage, the dishes, cook when asked. I’ve been asked to stay out of the kitchen. Unless to chop,wash or wipe.
Do my own laundry fold my own clothes so on and so forth.
But I definitely can appreciate a “Will you” over a “Can you” any day. A thank you will suffice and any other treat that may surprise me;)
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[...] course on relationships I attended recently had this one session on kids taught by a child psychologist and behavioral [...]
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I am here to tell you the “will you” WORKS. It is like some sort of magic phrase that makes my husband not only agreeable to what ever it is I want but he doesn’t even ask any questions. You cannot imagine how this has changed my life. I have been wondering for years why my husband always seemed confused, or lacked understanding when I asked him the simplest of questions or made a simple request. I cannot thank you enough !!! I sent him an email with the following “Will you attend my sorority holiday party with me ?” The answer came back in less than a minute. “Yes. I will”. You cannot imagine our past experience with this same request. Who knew ? I will never say can you again !!!
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[...] the relationship course I attended recently (I wrote about it here and here), I learned one technique that you are sure to use from now on for the rest of your [...]
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Men understand men
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Hey Roy! The two responses are females but notice they didn’t vote in the poll! Hmm.
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Cassandra, I’m definitely slow and simple. Give me one thing at a time to do. Then give me a treat. Then give me one more thing. And another treat. And so on. :-)
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Hey Charles I like that! Still, I think this technique applies equally well to mothers with sons, or to nephews. But your comment reminds of the time we visited an Amish farm in Pennsylvania and in that culture the littlest kids get significant chores right away. When I was a kid we had a “chore wheel” since there were five of us, and that wheel got rotated every week and during that week whatever was your chore you had better do it or else. :-)
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Manners are a very special thing in that they are respectful of others. Initially, manners totally take the focus off of the person saying them while delivering respect to the person being spoken to. Glad my mom taught me them. I can remember complaining about it. Thank you, mom, for persisting!
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I voted in the poll, -Women, can you take out the garbage was my reply. and I did the Men: and chose “Will you take out the garbage”- And that was speaking out the box sort of speak, “If I was in his shoes” concept. I’ve notice, I get things done efficiently and faster with the “will you” than the “can you”. However, I am in total agreement to Cassandra’s response where she state;
“So gentlemen, the next time you’re asked “Can you take out the garbage?” consider the possibility that her quality of ‘feminine vulnerability’ that inspire you, could be enhanced by your attention and nurturing. ”
If men could consider this, they’ll never have to worry about a thing! LOL*
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When I worked with Claude, THE most memorable moment was when he rallied the team to work late and together…He took our ‘dinner’ order, and made sure we were well taken care of in order to sit and review, style by style, item by item – to make sure we left no item unturned. I remember feeling impressed and grateful that he was strong enough to bring us together, but yet humble enough to make sure we weren’t hungry and cranky so we could get the job done and stop pointing fingers at the other for missing details.
Now…, Claude, is that a treat? It was for me – and I will always have the highest of respect for that most seemingly most simplest gestures…it’s all in the details and the effort it takes – to take the time to be big enough to be engaged in small things….like taking out the garbage?! My Mom taught me that appreciation – we HAD to do chores – no questions. But she showed alot of appreciation.
BTW, I am lucky and have a partner who feels it’s his role to handle the ‘big jobs’ (big and strong)and mine to handle the more ‘delicato’ role of food and aesthetics….(small and delicate) we hv no problems role reversing – (he’ll grocery shop and I’ll haul out what needs to be hauled out) But we appreciate each other for the others’ strengths and support where we can…sometimes we look at each other and gauge who has the most invested to make the effort…I seem to hv a higher tolerance…hugs and kisses!
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Masami! I’m honored by your presence! Thank you for your love! :-) It’s such a special day! Thank you for being in touch!
Dinner with the team was definitely a treat, but I was talking about a different kind of treat. At that relationship course, one of the speakers – a very funny woman named Marcia Martin who teaches her own courses – suggested that men are like dogs, and that the great thing about dogs is they are non-judgmental … they just want treats. They do something. They get a treat. They do something. They get a treat. She suggested that men just want sex (she added, “Get over it ladies!”) so therefore she encouraged women to use sex as a treat. Who was I to argue? ;-)
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Okay, now I’m rethinking the “can” vs. “will.” Now that I’ve heard my wife say both to me, I liked “will” better. Go figure. :-)
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